Hugs and Kisses

I was born in a relatively large conservative nuclear family where we were taught the essential themes of cultural life within the bosom of a family. One of the most important themes was the display of affection in public which was always considered inappropriate between husbands and wives or even other family members. While family relationships provided practical support to us, I strongly believed it is extremely important to show affection, and important to be emotionally connected and fulfilling.

I was too naive during my childhood days and thought that hugs actually created children.  I always believed that for a very long time, which led me to be on my alarm at all times.  Any physical contact with girls was a “big” no. It was during the lesson on human reproduction that my myths were dispelled. But by then I was careful enough to have completed 12 years of schooling without producing any child of my own.

Although my suspicions were resolved during science classes, I still turned out to be a very shy person. I still had my inhibitions about touching or hugging family or friends. I’ve had close friends, but I’d hesitate to hug them.

I joined engineering out of my own choice. The start was nice, but later I felt the course to be tough and that I didn’t belong at all. Ultimately, I failed when the results came. Not to mention, in seven subjects. The shame of it landed me into depression. I kept thinking, desperately, why this happened to me. Over a few pegs I realized that technology was not my cup of tea. Reappearing for the 7 subjects was out-of-question. The decision to quit was at the forefront of my thoughts. “Loser” and “worthless”, such words continued to echo. With multiple thoughts jumping back and forth, I spoke to my best friend, Sini, about quitting. She introduced me to a tutor, Neena. They gave me hours and hours of free therapy. Together, they helped me build back my confidence. I feel like God sent two angels into my life when I was about to give up on myself, to help me clear my life’s mess. Finally, I looked at myself through a different lens and succeeded in completing my course in flying colors.

My Graduation Day was filled with energy, a day promising young and vibrant engineering graduates with the hope of a bright tomorrow. Nervously, I was waiting for my name to be called and then I heard. I received the graduation certificate with a numb feeling in the black coat and hat. I wanted to run down the aisle and hug my dearest teacher and my best friend. After all, I owed my degree in engineering and my future to them. I reached them, but my arms and my legs froze. Feeling of gratitude washed away by the scary, troubling feeling of what would others feel?  The meaningful sharing of positive energy through an embrace remained in my heart.

Eventually, I got an opportunity to work in another state and had to leave my family behind. I wanted to hug everybody to say goodbye but the same shaking feeling rushed back again. Even though, I was going to stay away for a while I still left without hugging my loved ones. Regretful feeling…

Days turned to weeks as I settled into the new job. One day, I was relaxing at home when the phone rang. My brother called to inform that my grandmother was unwell. I learned so many things from her. She shared with me lots of lovely and cherished moments. After my probation period, I promised myself that I would meet her. Upon accumulating a few leaves, I booked my tickets for Christmas. I waited patiently with the intention to certainly hug her and kiss her when I saw her next.  I waited to return the innumerable kisses, love, warmth, and affection she gave me by at least hugging her. But again when I saw her, I could not. I didn’t know what stopped me from holding her close to me. I wish I could just plant a kiss without any inhibitions on her wrinkled face.

Granny’s health slowly declined and one day she choked on a grain of rice. She left me forever without giving me another chance to hug and kiss her. And there I was seeing her adorned with red and white roses in the coffin, and I gave her the first and last kiss. I heard her saying, ‘Why have you kept this so long?

Questions started filling my mind. Why did I hesitate when she was alive to hug her?  I still regret not expressing myself when I had the chance. I could not show my granny or my friends or my loved ones that I really care for them. Why have I always hesitated to hug my dear ones flying abroad? Standing there at the airport just waving goodbye towards them, why can’t I tell them that I will miss them? All this made me think why my parents were so shy about hugging or kissing each other in front of us kids? Isn’t hugs and kisses the easiest and purest way of expressing love and warmth? Of course, love is not just about hugs and kisses, but what’s the point in keeping love undelivered, perfectly wrapped up deep within your own heart. Am I worried about spending extra conveyance charges for a hug?

All these events left me to ponder… Can I start hugging and kissing my dear and loved ones?