Be proud of your scars

This social lockdown gave me a lot of time to introspect about life. Of course, nobody has a perfect life and nobody ever will. Humans were never designed to function with 100% efficiency like a machine. If we did, we would be called robots! In spite of knowing that nothing is ideal, we still expect perfectionism from everyone around us. One day, whilst my own speculation, I realized my weaknesses, inefficiencies, and inabilities. Frankly speaking, my insecurities have made me feel inferior at many times. One such habit is “Sleep talking”. Sleep talking, formally known as “Somniloquy”, is a sleep disorder defined as talking during sleep without being aware of it. Sleep talking can involve complicated dialogues or monologues, complete gibberish, or mumbling. The good news is that for most people it is a rare and short-lived occurrence.

I would talk while sleeping since my adolescent days. My siblings would share my sleep-talking stories during our breakfast and have a hearty laugh over it. However, for me, it would be the most embarrassing event of the morning. As the laughter continued every morning at the breakfast table, without me realising, a cloud of insecurity started building up within me. In course of time, I realized that I am the only child to have inherited these super genes from my father.

As the years passed, my insecurities grew. My sleep-talking habit had embraced me; it tagged with me everywhere like a baby clinging to its mother. My job took me to another city and I stayed in a room along with a roommate who didn’t talk my mother tongue! I was so looking forward to building memories of this wonderful staying away from home opportunity. My roomie was a senior software developer, who worked almost twelve to sixteen hours daily. He would come home completely exhausted with hopes of a peaceful night. The first night he woke me with a worried look in the middle of the night. He explained that I was blabbering in my mother tongue. I told him I would speak to him tomorrow and that he needn’t worry. The next day I told him that I had this sleep talking habit. Every day after that day he would wake up tired in the morning due to the lack of sleep caused by my continuous dialogues in the night. Anyways, all I could tell him was “Sorry”.

As days passed by, my discomfort to face him in the morning increased since I was the reason for his stressful nights. Not knowing what to do, I referred to “Google” our universal-answer giver. Googles reply that there was no cure for my so-called illness shocked me. Although few websites did suggest that I consult a sleep specialist. But I kept postponing the visit for many reasons of my own.

Weeks turned to months and eventually, I switched jobs and shifted to Kerala, my hometown. Once there I decided to visit a specialist; but until then, I kept quiet about my habit. And hence I did not reveal this information to my new Malayalee roommate. As the days passed by, our bonding increased. However, every morning I anxiously waited to hear his comments on my sleep dialogues but to my surprise, he never mentioned about it. For this reason, I assumed that I no longer sleep talked and my habit had left me. Finally, with weeks passing by, I started relaxing and woke up without the worry about receiving any criticisms. Frankly, I was quite happy and relieved.

Unfortunately, my happiness did not last long when one morning, he told me that I was shouting in sleep last night. There we go again, I thought. In view of this event, I had to do something as I did not want another troubled roommate added to my list. Consequently, I googled the sleep specialist addresses and jotted the details down. My roommate in contrast convinced me that I sleep talked due to some kind of stress throughout the day. Henceforth we would have one fruit juice every day to combat the stress. In other words it would help us stay energized and stress-free. His response shocked me. Instead of being upset with me, my 15 days old friend, was ready to sacrifice his sleep for me. He convinced me that I was not a psycho and advised me against taking medicines. His way of dealing with this situation kind of put my inner feeling (of insecurity) at bay. Now we have fun every day discussing my sleep talking.

Another night, I lifted my right leg in the air and touched my left elbow saying right leg – left elbow, all this while sleeping. My other roommate having watched a horror movie was unable to sleep and thus a spectator to my exercise regime. Morning when we discussed this, he added that this is the reason I stayed fit, workout while sleeping, what an idea! My gimmick led to laughter ringing in the room for a long time! I must say this was one of the most touching moments in my life. Finally, embraced by friends without being judged.

That night, I felt happy to be with a friend who accepted me the way I am and taught me to accept myself. In other words, he made me realize that I should learn to accept my habit as it makes everyone laugh out loud. With heartfelt gratitude, I slept peacefully indebted to my friends, friends for life!

The incident was also an eye-opener for me: to accept others the way they are with their faults and goodness’s.